


Magneto Out (aka, you did renew the insurance, didn't you darling?)

by Sophia_Bee



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Erik Logic Is The Best Logic, Honestly Charles What Are You Thinking, Humor, M/M, Mutant Boyfriends, Ridiculous, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 17:58:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2821157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophia_Bee/pseuds/Sophia_Bee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charles decides he wants to open a coffee shop. Erik finds the whole idea ridiculous but likes that he'll get free lattes. There might be tanks involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Magneto Out (aka, you did renew the insurance, didn't you darling?)

**Author's Note:**

> this grew out of my deep hatred for coffee shop AUs. I decided I would blow up a coffee shop, which has turned into tanks invading a coffee shop. I also threw in a little mocking of hurt/comfort (sorry). It also features my favorite headcanon Cherik dynamic, which is Terrible!Erik and Suffering!Charles who is entirely unaware that he's a lot to put up with as well. And it's completely ridiculous.
> 
> Translation to 中文 available thanks to **zandrov** : [Magneto Out (aka, you did renew the insurance, didn't you darling?)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3135233)

When Charles had brings the idea up to Erik, Erik waves his hand and declares it the stupidest idea he’s ever heard. Charles then declares that Erik looks ever so slightly fey making that hand gesture which then causes Erik to flip him off in a manner not befitting the Master of Magnetism, which is what Erik had insisted Charles call him in bed just a few nights before.

“It’s great visibility,” Charles says, his brow furrowing.

“You already teach at the university.” Erik answers.

“Yes. I do....”

“And you’re on TV often enough some people are starting to say you’re a bit of a media whore.”

“That is an incorrect characterization,” Charles sputters, “visibility is the one way we’re going to get our rights, and you care about our rights, correct?”

Erik sighs and Charles hates the way he rolls his eyes, “destroying humanity is the only way we’re going to get our rights, Charles. If humans are gone there will be no one to oppress us.”

“Erik! There will always be those who oppress...oh, hell why are we ending up in this same old argument?”

Erik smiles. It’s a bit predatory and it makes Charles slightly nervous.

“So Charles,” Erik says with a tone of disdain, “now you think that slinging coffee for the world is going to bring about the peace you so crave?”

Charles rolls his eyes and here they go again. More pontification from the great Magneto. Over breakfast. Must every morning end up like this. Charles takes a bite of his toast and gives Erik his best glare.

“I hate when you sound like you’re giving a speech Erik. Didn’t you use ‘the peace you so crave’ the last time you decided to spout off against Stryker?”

“I don’t know…maybe....” and it’s Erik’s turn to sputter, as he turns a little red “maybe, but, goddammit, does it matter Charles?”

“It will be a charity cafe.” Charles says, ignoring Erik’s question, “the kids can all work there. Alex will work the register. Armando will clean tables….”

“Angel will give lap dances?” Erik adds.

“Erik!” Charles says, choking a bit on his toast.

“Do I get my lattes for free?” Erik asks, cocking an eyebrow. Charles smiles because he knows that Erik is softening to the idea.

“Best boyfriend ever gets free drinks,” Charles says.

“Good,” Erik says, looking satisfied.

“Too bad I haven’t found him yet…” Charles smirks then ducks to avoid the metal spoon that flies in his direction.

Six months later the renovations are finished and the whole coffee shop is ADA compliant so Charles can get around easily and use the machines to sling coffee. He finds that he really enjoys making coffee for people and talking to them. What he doesn’t enjoy is the fact that is boyfriend is sitting at one of the tables appearing to read the newspaper he has spread out in front of him, but is in fact rattling Charles equipment and ignoring the glares Charles is sending his way. And to make things worse, he’s wearing that goddamn cape.

 _Why the cape?_ Charles sends the thought Erik’s way.

 _You liked it when I wore it last night._ Erik thinks back, causing Charles to blush and briefly berate himself over walking right into that one.

 _Erik! I can’t do my work_ Charles thinks after Erik destroys his attempt to steam milk. _And I burned myself._

Charles winces again at his lack of foresight because the moment Erik hears that Charles burned himself he’s standing next to the counter, grabbing for Charles hand, holding a familiar first-aid kit in his other hand.

“Oh my god, do you somehow tuck that thing inside the horrible cape.”

“The one you liked last night?” Erik reminds Charles with a smirk, then his brow knits with concern as he holds Charles’ hand in his. Charles knows there’s nothing he can do but go with this, because in the past resisting Erik’s ministrations when he’s hurt have led to disastrous results. “Let me see, darling. Oh no. We really should get you home where you can rest on the couch and I’ll make you some chamomile tea and I won’t let you move for a week. My poor Charles.”

“It’s a small burn, Erik,” Charles sighs, “I get about a hundred of them a day…”

Charles regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth.

“My god, Charles. This job is killing you. I should never allowed it in the first place.”

“Erik. Love. I’m really okay.” Charles says, keeping his voice calm. He knows that the wrong word will result in Erik scooping him up and levitating away with him, and the last time that happened the students had not let him live it down for at least two months.

“Listen Magnet.” Charles says as Erik thoroughly inspects Charles’ hand.

“Magneto.” Erik mutters. Charles smiles. His boyfriend is distracted by testing his hand for broken bones.

“Magnet-o.” Charles says, smiling.

“Magneet-O.” Erik corrects, glancing up at him. “Charles, do you even pay attention? Magneet-O.”

“Fine. Magneto. You’re scaring the customers. Why don’t you go home and feed the dogs, or blow up a government building or something, and if you say ‘Magneto out’ I will withhold sex tonight...”

It takes Charles about half a second to notice that Erik has turned quite red at something Charles has said and he suspects strongly that it has nothing to do with feeding the dogs or withholding sex, which Charles never follows through on anyway. Erik looks away from Charles and shifts a little, looking nervous.

“Um, Erik?” Charles says, his voice low and full of warning, “the part about blowing up buildings. It was a joke.”

“Yes Charles,” Eriks says, looking back at him and grinning in a way that makes Charles feel entirely nervous, “a joke.”

“And it’s not something you have done or are planning to do, right?”

“Um…define planning…I don’t know if you could say it was entirely planned….”

“ERIK?”

“This place has insurance, right?” Erik asks, looking around nervously, “although all this hipster aesthetic exposed brick might be able to take the force of a….”

“ERIK!!!!” Charles says forcefully, “what have you done?”

“Um, Magneto out?” Eriks says sheepishly. “I’ll just head out the back to avoid the snipers on the building across from us.”

Charles is pretty sure he’s bright red at this point.

“Oh no, you asshole, you’re not going anywhere.” Charles says, then he turns to see Alex at the register. “Alex, you and Armando, get the customers out of here. The cafe is closing, as in I think we’re about to be invaded thanks to Erik. I will not have any lives put in danger over this….”

“They’re only human lives,” Erik mutters, earning himself a glare. “Now, you did say you have insurance…”

“I’m not a total idiot, Erik,” Charles sputters “I mean outside of putting up with you. Of course I have insurance.”

“You know exactly why you put up with me.” Erik leers. Charles rolls his eyes.

“Not everything is about sex, Erik. Sometimes it’s about the good of humanity.”

“And sex.” Erik says, “more sex actually would be good for humanity.”

“Jesus, I can’t even talk to you. Now, how long do I have?”

“Well,” Erik says, looking thoughtful, “We hit the treasury about 10:07.”

“We? Dear god, please don’t tell me you pulled someone else into another insane caper.”

“Mystique.” Erik says, then claps a hand over his mouth, “Oh, whoops. She said not to tell you.”

“Raven?!?! You are the worst influence on my sister.”

“So, back to the question of how much longer?” Erik muses, ignoring Charles. “I did scrawl, ‘Magneto Was Here’ on one of the walls I left standing, so it won’t take them long to figure out who did it. I mean, I might be giving Stryker a little too much credit, but it’s pretty obvious. Then there’s the time it takes to assemble sniper teams and get tanks ready and rolling, so I would guess….”

Erik looks at his watch, then looks at Charles. He smiles apologetically.

“Oh dear. Sorry, darling.”

“Sorry for what Erik?” Charles gasps, “Sorry for…”

“I love you, Charles. You know that, right?” Erik smiles contritely, “And, um, your premiums are going to be going up.”

Erik grins. Charles’ mouth hangs open then shuts. At that very moment there is a loud boom and one of the exposed brick walls shakes with the force of an impact, followed by another, then it slowly starts to crumble inward and Charles sees the barrel of a tank pushing into his coffee shop.

“I swear to god Erik,” Charles yells over the din, “I’m NOT visiting you in jail. NO conjugal visits. None. You and your hand from now on….”

“But….”

“No Erik. Not negotiable. None.”

“But can’t you, just, you know...fix this?” Erik asks, “Make them think it was some computer malfunction or a poorly thought out invasion of Westchester county?”

“Really?” Charles gapes, “That’s your way out of it. Have your boyfriend brainwash the people whose building you just blew up?”

“Yes?” Erik says tentatively, as if he thinks it’s not only a brilliant idea but the only workable. Charles sighs. He might be right. Goddammit. Charles places his fingers on his temple and he sees Erik smirk at what he’s told Charles is a ‘juvenile gesture’, and Charles thinks to himself that this is NOT the time for Erik to be criticizing the trademarks he’s worked hard to cultivate. Charles squeezes his eyes tightly shut and one by one he implants the idea in the heads of the people who are taking down a small coffee shop in Westchester with goddamn TANKS that they should turn around and go home. Nothing to see here. The tank withdrawals and he glances out the front window to see men on the roof stand up and start taking apart their guns.

“You are AMAZING,” Erik says, staring at Charles in awe.

“Fuck you Erik,”

“I mean, a man of your power should not be wasting his time behind the counter of a coffee shop. You could change the world.”

Charles sighs.

“We’ve been over this before. I will not brainwash the president. Or the UN. Or the president of Russia. None of them.”

“Not even the prime minister of Papua New Guinea?” Erik asks. “Surely that would be somewhat inconsequential in the scheme of things….”

“NO!” Charles says, “Now go home while I call the insurance company. I’m pretty sure you owe me dinner at this point, Lehnsherr.”

“And a blow job?”

“Oh hell, a lot more than that.” Charles says, “but I will not call you the Master of Magnetism and you may NOT wear that cape to bed tonight.”

“Deal.” Erik says, smiling.

“And you’d better not…”

“Not what, Charles?” Erik asks, blinking innocently as he spreads his arms out to his side and his cape starts to billow around him.

“You know I don’t like it when you….”

“Don’t like when I what?” Erik asks with mock innocence as he starts to lift a bit off the ground.

“Don’t you dare levitate yourself…” Charles says, shaking his head as his boyfriend rises up in the air, his eyes locked with Charles’ the whole time, a huge smile on his face. “Awe, hell, why do I even try? But you’d better not say it...don’t you dare say it….”

Erik grins even wider, if that’s possible. He’s going to say it. There’s no way Charles can stop him and Charles cringes in anticipation.

“MAGNETO OUT!”

~fin~


End file.
